Friday, November 11, 2011

Just When You Think...

everything is going great, you get reminded of the sadness that lurks in the back of your mind.  Boo!  I had a really great week!  I've done something different every night this week, probably over did it actually.  I went to my students' volleyball games, one of my student's dad's election party, parent conferences for two days, football game for my school, and lots of dinners out.  I have been feeling back to normal physically and have just been having a good week.
     Well...tonight I found out my cousin's wife is due the same time I was in May.  I knew she was pregnant (not how far along she was) and I had a gut feeling that she was due around the same time as me.  I'm happy for her and my cousin, but just know this will be a reminder for me about where I should have been in my pregnancy.  Even worse, when the baby is born, I will know I should have had a baby at that time too.  Selfish?  Yeah, I know how it sounds.  But the whole point of this blog was to write how I'm feeling, so there it is.  It makes me ask the questions, "Why me?  Why couldn't I be like her and have a healthy pregnancy?"
     I also had my follow up D&C appointment this morning.  I was put in the same room as when I met with my doctor for the first time about my m/c.  I never imagined how hard it would be, sitting in the room all alone.  The nurse practitioner was a joke, and it was a pointless visit.  She let me know the baby was a "product of conception".  Yes I knew that.  I saw its heartbeat and arm/leg buds.  I saw its little body and head.  Everyone seems to forget I was carrying a baby and I saw it.  It was real to me.
     Tomorrow night was the night we were going to tell my husband's family.  I had a b-day party planned and we were going to put an ultrasound picture on the cake.  We had even bought adorable t-shirts to wear.  Well, I had to cancel it because I knew I couldn't handle it and I don't even like celebrating my b-day.  I just thought that would have been the perfect surprise for them.  It sucks that I can't be having that party tomorrow.  It sucks that I can't share the great news with them.
     I know there is no easy road to recovery.  It's a process.  These were just little bumps that I will hop over and I will continue to move on with my life.

No comments:

Post a Comment