Monday, October 31, 2011

When Will You...?

When will you have children?  I have heard this question three times in the last five days.  I'm used to this question, I get it every so often.  I've been married for a year and a half, and I understand people are curious.  But three times in the last week?  Really?  Is this some kind of cruel joke?  

I wish I could say I had a child, but I lost it.  Or, I want children more than anything in the world, but I'm not sure if I'm ever going to be able to.  Instead, I just laugh and say "someday".  I hope one day I won't have to answer that question anymore...because I will have a family of my own.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Footprints on Our Hearts

When someone comes into our lives...
              and they are too quietly and quickly gone,
they leave footprints on our hearts...
and their memory stays with us forever.

**Love This**

Bits of Happiness

This is where I found my bits of happiness this weekend...

*I went to my friend's daughter's birthday party.  It was so nice to be there to celebrate her special day.  She was my student a couple years ago, so it was extra special.  I felt normal again.

*I went shoe shopping and bought four new pairs of shoes!

*I went out for breakfast and got a delicious breakfast burrito.

*My husband and I volunteered at my school's Fall Event.  We worked the dime toss booth for a couple hours.  We had such a good time!

*I finished the last book in the Hunger Games Series.  The first two were fantastic and the last book was okay.  But I'm still happy I finished the series.

*I got to meet my good friend's baby for the first time today.  I put him to sleep and held him for a long time.  It felt good.

*We went to the dog costume parade a few minutes from our house.  So fun!  I love where I live.

*I'm going to enjoy some Indian food for dinner.

*I took the pups on longer walks both days this weekend.  I love walking around our neighborhood, seeing the beach, and just spending time with my husband.

*I had my first glass of iced tea in months.  I enjoyed an Iced Chai Tea from Starbucks.  I also treated myself to seared ahi tuna, yum!  All things I couldn't have when I was pregnant.

I'm proud of myself for getting out and doing things this weekend.  I know it doesn't seem like much, but to me it is.  I told myself after the surgery, I was not going to lay around and feel sorry for myself.  Sometimes I just want to crawl back into bed and stay there forever, but that's not life.  I'm putting one foot in front of the other and living!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Things that Sting

I'm happy to say that I'm drinking my first glass of sherry since I found out I was pregnant.  The last glass I had was the night before I took the pg test.  I had just opened up a new bottle when I found out I was pregnant.  I was happy to give it up, but I'm happy to have it back.  Looking at the perks of not being pregnant.  Maybe that will be a post sometime.

Anways, I knew that there was going to be things that sting.  Just didn't expect so many in the last few's hard to stay so strong in front of everyone.

*Yesterday I had a parent conference.  The mom was nine months pregnant.  At the end of the conference, she asked me if I had children.  *Ouch* After I said no, she asked me if I wanted children.  *Double Ouch*  

*Tonight was my friend's daughter's birthday party.  My other friend was there with her baby.  I had a nice time, but it was hard.  While we were eating, the guy next to me talked non stop about his wife's pregnancy.  I'm sorry, but it hurts.  It just makes me remember what I don't have anymore.

*Sunday I'm going to visit a good friend and her newborn.  Again, it's going to hurt.  I'm overjoyed for her and can't wait to meet her baby, but it's not going to be easy for me.  I'm not ashamed about it either.  I can't help how I feel and I can feel sorry for myself every once in a while.

*Three women at my school are having babies in October and November.  I have to hear about it all the time and I just stand there and smile.  It sucks.

I know these are just a few things and I know that these sort of things will sting less and less.  But for now...I have to figure out how to get the salt out of my wounds.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Dark Days Are Over

I'm starting to feel more like myself...and I love it!  It's the small things in life that matter the most.

*I laughed for my first time yesterday in a week.  My dad was worried he tagged himself in someone's picture (he was creeping on someone's page).  I laughed so hard.  It was wonderful.  I got to spend the evening with my beautiful nephew today, he made me laugh the whole time.  I forgot what great medicine laughing is.

*I started to feel excited about going to work again.  I'm a teacher and I have found a lot of happiness being back in the classroom.

*I love to dance and sing in the car.  Yesterday I caught myself dancing.  I was happy.  Nothing was going to take that away from me.  

*I stayed late at work today and changed my entire room to November.  I changed all my bulletin boards and hung up new projects from the lights.  I'm in some pain now because I overdid it, but hey, that is just a sign I'm feeling like myself again.

*I'm really good friends with a teacher at work.  We joke back and forth all the time.  Yesterday I found myself pulling her chain and acting goofy.  I went through the afternoon totally forgetting I had lost something.   Today my friend was telling me how sad she was for me and I told her it was going to be okay!  Haha We then realized who was consoling who and started laughing.  I told her I'm going to be okay..and I know I will be.

*I haven't cried in two days.  Not even when I'm alone in the car.  That has been so nice and much easier to drive without trying to see through the tears.

I know that I will never be the "old" me again.  I just can't go back to the way things were.  But I know the "new" me is really going to stop and smell the roses more...because if there is one thing I learned from this whole experience, it's that life is just too precious to let it pass you by.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

A Week Ago Tonight

 A week ago tonight I was in the ER.  I was over 11 weeks pregnant and started spotting at work.  I knew it wasn't good because I was cramping as well.  I went straight to the ER and spent the next four hours there.  I was alone when I found out the baby had no heart beat.  I didn't need the ultra sound tech to confirm my greatest fears, but baby was no longer alive.  I demanded my husband at that point and he was there with me the rest of the night.  I could go into all the details from that horrible night, but I don't really feel like re-living all of them.  Let's just say I was moved back and forth from a portable into the hospital more than once in my hospital gown.  I also made friends with someone who was there just to get a quick fix.  Lastly, I almost left the hospital without seeing a doctor and getting checked out.  I hope to God I never have to go to that ER again.

The entire time I was there I felt numb, I didn't cry.  I felt like I had left my body and was watching from above.  I'm glad I felt that way, so I could stay strong there.  I can't remember coming home or what I did then.  I do remember waking up the next morning with the biggest feeling of emptiness I have ever felt.  I cried my eyes out.  Spent that afternoon at the doctors office, deciding on the next step.  Since baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks, we decided on a D&C for the next day.  I thought my pain was all over, but oh no, that was just the beginning.

Later that night I began cramping.  It got worse and pretty soon become unbearable.  I was bleeding heavily and was passing huge clots.  I didn't know what to do.  The doctor on call called me in vicodin after 3 hours of hell.  Once I took two, I was able to relax a bit.  I curled in a ball and breathed until I fell asleep.  I took my last vicodin at 3 am, since I had to be MPO for my surgery.  I was so thankful for that medicine.  It didn't take the pain away, but it helped me to finally relax and fall asleep.

The next day was my D&C.  My parents took me and I didn't spend much time with them because they took me right back for pre-op.  Laying there alone for an hour and a half before surgery was the hardest thing.  I wish I had my family with me then.  After poking me multiple times to start the IV, the second nurse finally found a vein that took.  The first nurse decided to try the same vein I got my blood drawn from the night before (that hurt!!).  I have really horrible veins and this was the worst part for me.  It was not a pleasant experience!  I was relieved when it was time to go into surgery and soon after I woke up in recovery.  The whole thing felt like a dream.  After an hour, my parents took me home. I was nice and loopy!

The recovery physically has not been bad.  Some minor discomfort over the weekend.  I went back to work on Monday, had the surgery on Friday.  Going back the first day was extremely hard, but good for me.  My dad sent me a beautiful message my first day back that I will never forget "Stay strong and positive.  That is the best thing you can do to make your dreams come true."  He's right.  That's why I'm on this journey to find that hope again.  That hope that one day will be my time to be a mom.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Winnie the Pooh

I saw this quote on a message board today...
"Sometimes," said Pooh, "the smallest things take up the most room in your heart."

I couldn't have said it better myself!


I hate Tuesdays...
Tuesday use to be the day I would wait anxiously for my emails to arrive.  The ones that told me all about the baby -- what fruit it compared to, how it was growing, and how my body was changing.  Tuesday was the day I knew I was another week further along in my pregnancy.

Well that is no more.  I have unsubscribed to the emails and they have stopped coming.  But how I do unsubscribe my brain from registering Tuesday as the next week in my pregnancy?  That I'm one step closer to holding my baby in my arms?

That will be a lot harder then just the click of the button.  Today I would have been 12 weeks.  The week I was so anxiously waiting to get to.  Now it's just another day that has gone and passed.  Maybe another day closer to feeling whole again?  I hope so.