Wednesday, October 26, 2011

A Week Ago Tonight

 A week ago tonight I was in the ER.  I was over 11 weeks pregnant and started spotting at work.  I knew it wasn't good because I was cramping as well.  I went straight to the ER and spent the next four hours there.  I was alone when I found out the baby had no heart beat.  I didn't need the ultra sound tech to confirm my greatest fears, but baby was no longer alive.  I demanded my husband at that point and he was there with me the rest of the night.  I could go into all the details from that horrible night, but I don't really feel like re-living all of them.  Let's just say I was moved back and forth from a portable into the hospital more than once in my hospital gown.  I also made friends with someone who was there just to get a quick fix.  Lastly, I almost left the hospital without seeing a doctor and getting checked out.  I hope to God I never have to go to that ER again.

The entire time I was there I felt numb, I didn't cry.  I felt like I had left my body and was watching from above.  I'm glad I felt that way, so I could stay strong there.  I can't remember coming home or what I did then.  I do remember waking up the next morning with the biggest feeling of emptiness I have ever felt.  I cried my eyes out.  Spent that afternoon at the doctors office, deciding on the next step.  Since baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks, we decided on a D&C for the next day.  I thought my pain was all over, but oh no, that was just the beginning.

Later that night I began cramping.  It got worse and pretty soon become unbearable.  I was bleeding heavily and was passing huge clots.  I didn't know what to do.  The doctor on call called me in vicodin after 3 hours of hell.  Once I took two, I was able to relax a bit.  I curled in a ball and breathed until I fell asleep.  I took my last vicodin at 3 am, since I had to be MPO for my surgery.  I was so thankful for that medicine.  It didn't take the pain away, but it helped me to finally relax and fall asleep.

The next day was my D&C.  My parents took me and I didn't spend much time with them because they took me right back for pre-op.  Laying there alone for an hour and a half before surgery was the hardest thing.  I wish I had my family with me then.  After poking me multiple times to start the IV, the second nurse finally found a vein that took.  The first nurse decided to try the same vein I got my blood drawn from the night before (that hurt!!).  I have really horrible veins and this was the worst part for me.  It was not a pleasant experience!  I was relieved when it was time to go into surgery and soon after I woke up in recovery.  The whole thing felt like a dream.  After an hour, my parents took me home. I was nice and loopy!

The recovery physically has not been bad.  Some minor discomfort over the weekend.  I went back to work on Monday, had the surgery on Friday.  Going back the first day was extremely hard, but good for me.  My dad sent me a beautiful message my first day back that I will never forget "Stay strong and positive.  That is the best thing you can do to make your dreams come true."  He's right.  That's why I'm on this journey to find that hope again.  That hope that one day will be my time to be a mom.

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