Thursday, February 23, 2012

...Expecting the worse..hoping for the best...

Date: 2/12/12
My cramps started to get a little worse on Monday and were localized to my left side.  I also started to have brown spotting starting Monday as well.  Just a little drop, but enough to break my heart.  The same thing happened on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Last night I totally lost it and realized this may be the end.  My dad got me in to see a doctor tomorrow morning.  I also got more blood work done today.  I'm petrified.  I'm expecting the worse, but hoping for the best tomorrow.

Date: 2/17/12
I'm leaving for my appointment soon and I just can't get this knot out of my stomach.  Alex is off at work and I'm alone at home.  I'm fighting back the tears, and trying to prepare myself for what may come today.  I wish I didn't have to feel this way.  I wonder if we should have waited longer to start trying again, maybe three months wasn't enough time.  I don't feel ready for this emotional roller coaster.  I'm just sick to my stomach.  I really hope the doctor does an ultrasound today and will let me know what's going on one way or another.  Sigh, I really wish this didn't have to be so hard. :[

The appointment went pretty well.  The doctor saw a gestational sac in my uterus, but couldn't rule out what is causing the pain in the left side.  I was sent to the hospital to do an ultrasound.  They also found a gestational sac in my uterus measuring 5w1d, with a questionable yolk sac.  They could not find a cause for the pain in my left side (I ovulated from my right ovary, so it's not a cyst).  They don't believe it's a tubal, but can't completely rule it out yet since I'm so early.  I also got my third beta back on Friday.  My HCG has doubled but my progesterone continues to drop.  Friday was a very stressful day for me.  I'm going in for more blood work on Monday and will get the results on Tuesday.  I'm also going back to the doctor on Thursday for a follow up ultrasound.  I'm still continuing to have a dull ache in my left side, along with other minor cramps and extreme nausea.  I also had three days of small temp drops, along with a bigger one on the next day.  Thankfully, it shot back up and then dropped slightly the next day.  I'm just not sure how this is all going to turn out.  I think tomorrow's blood work will say a lot and if it's good news, I'm putting the thermometer away.

Date:  2/22/12
I have another appointment tomorrow and I'm so scared.  I got my HCG levels back and they are at 12,000, which is good but a little high for where I'm at (5w2d).  So of course I think of the worst.  Molar?  Tubal?  What's wrong with me?  What's this strange cramp in my left side that I've had for over a week?  The questions are never ending and I just can't seem to relax.  I'm exhausted, nauseous, and my emotions are all over the place.  I'm in no way complaining, but I just can't shake this feeling that I'm doomed.  I know I have to get more faith, for me and this baby.  Tomorrow's appointment will be a biggie and I pray that I will have good news tomorrow.

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