Sunday, January 22, 2012

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

It has been three months since I said goodbye to the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me.  I've been struggling at work due to all the new babies that have been born and a recent pregnancy announcement (that I got to hear about every detail for the entire week).  It has really emotionally drained me.  On top of that, I know that I should be almost 6 months pregnant.  Sometimes the pain is so unbearable, I feel like I can't breathe.  Being constantly reminded of what I have lost is something I can't even describe.  I am doing so well, but wish people would respect me enough to keep those details to share with someone who didn't lose her baby.  It's just been a really hard week for me.  I just really want my baby back.

Today was the first day since my m/c that I looked at the ultrasound pictures.  I have a memory box my sister gave me last year and I keep special things in there.  I put the ultrasound pictures and some other mementos in a ziploc and keep them in this box too.  I could close my eyes and see the ultrasound image from the last appointment I saw my baby alive.  I just had to see it today.  I kissed it, cried, and put it away.  I will never throw that away and pretend she never existed.  I can't and I won't.  I don't cry very often, so I know these moments are important in my healing.  When I came out of my room, one of my dogs was sitting there, wagging her tail.  It's incredible how dogs know when you're sad.  There is a new song out that I love and one of the lines says "I've loved and I've lost".  It just reminds me that I didn't just lose something, but I got to love something too.

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