Tuesday, May 8, 2012

..Happy Birthday Rose..

Today was a day I've been dreading for a long time.  Today was my EDD.  I knew it was getting closer when the women I knew who were due around me were giving birth to their beautiful babies.  I was so happy for them, but somehow felt left behind.  I felt cheated, angry, and hurt.  I hate feeling that way, but I can't help how I feel.  I've moved past those emotions and am truly happy for them and their miracles.

When I got home last night and went into my room, there was a bouquet of flowers, a card, and two roses (one red and one blue).  They were from Alex.  The card was beautiful and I sat on the bed and cried.  We had talked about getting roses to let go in the ocean by our house.  He went out of his way to get them for me ahead of time and have a surprise waiting for me when I get home.  This small gesture meant the world to me.

I wanted today to be special and I wanted it to be a happy day.  Though I started the morning in tears, I ended it with smiles.  I have three necklaces dedicated to my LO.  I wore one over the weekend, one yesterday, and one today.  I also have a shirt that has a rose on it.  This shirt has become a way to remember my LO as well.  I felt wearing that shirt and necklace would be a great way to start the day.  When I got to school, one of my former students gave me a red rose.  When I asked her why, she said she just picked it this morning and wanted to give it to me.  What a special way to start my day.  I also went to faculty prayer this morning.  The prayer was about Mary and how she lost her son.  It went on to talk about how hard it is to lose a child and how we need to turn to our family and faith to help us get through it.  I thought it was a perfect prayer for me today.  I thanked the teacher who led it later in the day and she said she was going to skip the part about losing a child, but for some reason she read it (she has no clue about my m/c).  It made me feel like I really needed to hear that today.

I spent the day in good spirits.  It was nice to teach and have a distraction for the day.  When I got home, Alex and I planted the rose tree we bought for Rose on Saturday.  It took a while and we made a huge mess, but it was such a nice way to have a permanent memorial for the baby that forever touched our hearts.

After we cleaned up the entire front area, it was time to go and let the roses go in the ocean.  Alex bought one red and one blue rose because we never knew if baby was a girl or boy.  In my heart, I know Rose was a girl, but I thought that was a thoughtful idea.  I also decided to take the rose my student gave me to put in the ocean too.  We walked to the bay by our house, kissed the roses, and let them go in the ocean.  We stood there for a while and watched them.  It was lovely.

We ended the day having dinner at BJs.  I had some comfort food (pizza and a pizookie later at home). It was a nice way to end the day and spend time together.  I'm so happy I have Alex through all of this. The other most important support I have through this is my message boards.  I had a few friends who remembered my EDD and sent me messages.  One friend did something special for Rose today.  Here is a link to her blog and how she remembered her today. 


I end today realizing how blessed I am for everyone that I have in my life and for my health.  My dogs and husband mean the world to me.  They are what keep me going every single day.  I love my message boards and the amazing women I have met on there.  I have a wonderful family who I get to spend so much time with.  I have a LO hopefully growing and thriving in my belly.  I have a lot to be thankful for.

To my Sweet Rose:
Hi my sweet angel.  I wanted to write you a short note so you know I'm thinking of you today and of course every single day.  I know that you are in Heaven, playing with all the other angel babies up there.  I thank you for the small gifts you sent my way today.  I hope you are keeping an eye on your brother/sister and making sure they are growing!  I'm so blessed to have my own angel watching over us.  Mommy and Daddy miss you so very much and want you to know that we will never forget you.  A mommy never forgets.  Every rose I see, I know it's you saying hello and reminding me that everything is going to be okay.  I hope you like the tree we bought for you and planted today.  Now I get to see you every day (along with the rose bush in the kitchen).  Please don't be sad when you see me cry when I'm alone.  It's only because I miss you so very much and wish you were here with me today.  I'm staying strong, but sometimes I just need to let it out.  I hope you had a wonderful birthday.  We love you so much.


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