Mommy dreamt about you!

We had our anatomy scan on Tuesday.  It went really well and all looks good so far.  I was 19w3d and baby was measuring at 20w.  We found out that we're having a boy!  I've known all along that this LO was a boy!  My doctor did a guess a few weeks ago and guessed girl, and I knew he was wrong.  I had a dream early in my pregnancy when I was feeling very scared.  I dreamt about holding a beautiful baby boy and it was the most beautiful dream I've ever had.  But besides that, I've just had this gut feeling it was a boy!

It was so incredible seeing him move around.  He's head down for now and definitely likes punching me!  He had his hands in a fist the whole time.  We are thinking of going with Quinn Leon.  I just like the name Quinn and Leon is after my great grandfather (my grammy's father).  She was so thrilled when I told her that!  I'm feeling him kick a little more and know that what I've been feeling the last few weeks have probably been him.

As for me, I came out at work.  I couldn't hide this bump anymore.  We have two really big events this weekend (one with family and one with friends) and I'm really hesitant about sharing this news with so many more people.  I'm feeling very vulnerable, scared, anxious, and constantly in fear.  I know this is bad, unhealthy, and not good for the baby.  But I can't seem to ease my mind, even after a great appointment.  I wish so very much that I could enjoy this pregnancy and stop spending so much time wondering what is going to happen.  I love this baby so much it hurts.  What hurts even more is thinking about losing him.  I'm so ashamed that I can't be stronger for him, but I'm really trying my best.  That's all I can do for now.

19 Week Bump

 My grammy gave me these from their house.  They are moving and made a box of trinkets for each grandchild.  These were some of the things in there.  I <3 them.

 Foot

 Best profile shot we got, his chin is down.

Celebrating with a very yummy drink!  He kicked me while I was drinking this, so I'm thinking he liked it too!  A treat for him for being so cute!

...A Very Sweet Potato...

Well, it's been a very long time since I've updated.  Every week I plan on doing it and I put it off.  I feel like the more I talk about this LO, write about it, or even think about it, I will jinx it.  I know how silly that sounds, but this is my reality.  I'm terrified of getting attached to this baby and then losing it.  I keep saying that after each appointment I have, I will let go of some of this fear and actually enjoy this pregnancy.  I really hope after my anatomy scan in a week I will finally be able to do this.  I have so much to update though, I didn't want to put it off any longer.  I read that the baby can now start to hear.  That made me realize I need to talk to LO.  Each night I say a little something.  For now, that's a good start for me.

Today I'm 18w1d.  Baby is the size of a sweet potato.  I'm hoping to start doing a weekly update if I make it to week 20!  This last week I've been pretty crampy every day, which always makes me incredibly nervous.  Over the last few weeks I think I may have felt some flutters and maybe a couple kicks.  I'm still not sure if it's gas bubbles or baby.  Hoping those kicks will get stronger and then I'll know for sure.

I'm still trying to take this day by day and all I can do is to continue to pray every day that this baby will make it!  Here are some bump pics from 8w-18w.

 8 weeks

 12 weeks - Easter edition

 15 weeks

16 weeks - Colplay concert and puppies edition!

 

Coldplay Concert

Kings Playoff Round 2 vs St. Louis for the sweep!!

 

 16 weeks - Kings playoff edition

17 weeks

 18 weeks - Noah's Ark exhibit edition

Here is a picture of the happy roll I ate after our 17 week appointment (because we were so happy!).  Baby looked good and doctor even did a gender guess.  Doctor guessed baby was a girl.  He didn't seem too sure and baby had its legs crossed, so I don't think he got a good look.  My gut feeling is baby is a BOY, so I'm still going with that. :]  I will be ecstatic either way, just want LO to be healthy.

We also told DH's family after that appointment.  The only people who knew before that were my immediate family and my boss.  We told Alex's brother and sister in law first.  We went over there and just told them, then showed them the picture.  The nephews were really excited as well.  Then we went over to Alex's mom house and had to wait for his other sister to get home.  We were stalling and just hoping they didn't think it was weird we just popped by.  Once his other sister got there, Alex said he had a late mother's day gift for his mom.  It was a picture of the baby in a cute frame.  Once his mom opened it, she said she knew it and began to cry.  Hugs were given all around.  It was a wonderful moment.  His sisters were very excited as well.  We told all his family about the miscarriage.  I felt they needed to know.  I don't want to damper the excitement about this LO, but also don't want my other sweet baby to be forgotten. <3  We will probably tell others if the anatomy scan goes well.

Here's a picture of LO at our NT scan at 12 weeks.  This is the best picture we have.  All the other ones were done at my doctor's office and aren't very clear.  

I have bought one thing for the baby.  I couldn't help it when I saw this book on Amazon.  I haven't read it yet, but will hopefully be reading it soon.

To my little sweet potato..Mommy and Daddy love you so much!  Keep growing in there!

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!  You become a mother the moment you find out your pregnant.  You stay a mother, no matter what the outcome is.  Someone posted this poem on my board today, and I found it to be so true.  I don't think just because you lose your baby, you become a better mother.  Or that women who had easy pregnancies aren't the best moms in the world.  However, I still found this poem so incredibly touching and true.  Today I think of my angel baby and pray that my little pumpkin is still growing strong and will be here with me next Mother's Day. <3



There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have sat by while my child was taken from me.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at my surviving miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking because of grief.
I will be happy because my baby is alive and crying out for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

-Author Unknown

Both of these were shared on my board as well.

..Happy Birthday Rose..

Today was a day I've been dreading for a long time.  Today was my EDD.  I knew it was getting closer when the women I knew who were due around me were giving birth to their beautiful babies.  I was so happy for them, but somehow felt left behind.  I felt cheated, angry, and hurt.  I hate feeling that way, but I can't help how I feel.  I've moved past those emotions and am truly happy for them and their miracles.

When I got home last night and went into my room, there was a bouquet of flowers, a card, and two roses (one red and one blue).  They were from Alex.  The card was beautiful and I sat on the bed and cried.  We had talked about getting roses to let go in the ocean by our house.  He went out of his way to get them for me ahead of time and have a surprise waiting for me when I get home.  This small gesture meant the world to me.

I wanted today to be special and I wanted it to be a happy day.  Though I started the morning in tears, I ended it with smiles.  I have three necklaces dedicated to my LO.  I wore one over the weekend, one yesterday, and one today.  I also have a shirt that has a rose on it.  This shirt has become a way to remember my LO as well.  I felt wearing that shirt and necklace would be a great way to start the day.  When I got to school, one of my former students gave me a red rose.  When I asked her why, she said she just picked it this morning and wanted to give it to me.  What a special way to start my day.  I also went to faculty prayer this morning.  The prayer was about Mary and how she lost her son.  It went on to talk about how hard it is to lose a child and how we need to turn to our family and faith to help us get through it.  I thought it was a perfect prayer for me today.  I thanked the teacher who led it later in the day and she said she was going to skip the part about losing a child, but for some reason she read it (she has no clue about my m/c).  It made me feel like I really needed to hear that today.

I spent the day in good spirits.  It was nice to teach and have a distraction for the day.  When I got home, Alex and I planted the rose tree we bought for Rose on Saturday.  It took a while and we made a huge mess, but it was such a nice way to have a permanent memorial for the baby that forever touched our hearts.

After we cleaned up the entire front area, it was time to go and let the roses go in the ocean.  Alex bought one red and one blue rose because we never knew if baby was a girl or boy.  In my heart, I know Rose was a girl, but I thought that was a thoughtful idea.  I also decided to take the rose my student gave me to put in the ocean too.  We walked to the bay by our house, kissed the roses, and let them go in the ocean.  We stood there for a while and watched them.  It was lovely.

We ended the day having dinner at BJs.  I had some comfort food (pizza and a pizookie later at home). It was a nice way to end the day and spend time together.  I'm so happy I have Alex through all of this. The other most important support I have through this is my message boards.  I had a few friends who remembered my EDD and sent me messages.  One friend did something special for Rose today.  Here is a link to her blog and how she remembered her today. 

http://oneemerald.blogspot.com/2012/05/may-8-psalm-69.html 

I end today realizing how blessed I am for everyone that I have in my life and for my health.  My dogs and husband mean the world to me.  They are what keep me going every single day.  I love my message boards and the amazing women I have met on there.  I have a wonderful family who I get to spend so much time with.  I have a LO hopefully growing and thriving in my belly.  I have a lot to be thankful for.

To my Sweet Rose:

Hi my sweet angel.  I wanted to write you a short note so you know I'm thinking of you today and of course every single day.  I know that you are in Heaven, playing with all the other angel babies up there.  I thank you for the small gifts you sent my way today.  I hope you are keeping an eye on your brother/sister and making sure they are growing!  I'm so blessed to have my own angel watching over us.  Mommy and Daddy miss you so very much and want you to know that we will never forget you.  A mommy never forgets.  Every rose I see, I know it's you saying hello and reminding me that everything is going to be okay.  I hope you like the tree we bought for you and planted today.  Now I get to see you every day (along with the rose bush in the kitchen).  Please don't be sad when you see me cry when I'm alone.  It's only because I miss you so very much and wish you were here with me today.  I'm staying strong, but sometimes I just need to let it out.  I hope you had a wonderful birthday.  We love you so much.

<3

Mommy

...Raspberry...

Today I'm 8 weeks pregnant.  I had another ultrasound on Thursday, baby was measuring three days ahead and looked good.  Of course, I'm not jumping for joy yet.  With my last pregnancy, I saw the baby at 8w and she looked perfect as well.  It was five days later that her beautiful heart stopped beating.  I'm trying my best to stay positive, but the fear of losing this LO is constant.  I often think how I will handle losing this one and I hate that I think that way.  I have also been plagued with a headache that is going on four days now.  Last pregnancy, I had a headache for a few days around the time LO passed away.  I'm petrified that this is history repeating itself.  My wonderful doctor told me I can come in next week if I'm worried and the headache doesn't go away, just to check to see if everything is okay.  If not, my next appointment will be at 10 weeks.

The good news is I have been very sick with his pregnancy.  The nausea is all day, all night, with no relief.  I get sick at least once a day, usually at night.  It is miserable for me, but I know that means LO is doing okay.  I woke up in the middle of the night last night and got extremely sick, but didn't have anything to throw up.  I got sick after breakfast as well.  I was telling Alex that I think it was pumpkin telling me he was okay in there (which I really hope is true).  I know these next couple weeks will be hard for me, but I'm going to do my best to stay positive and not lose hope in my little pumpkin.  He deserves to have all the faith in the world.  The reason I'm calling pumpkin a boy is because I had a dream a week ago and baby was a boy.  He had red hair, beautiful blue eyes, and holding him was the most amazing thing in the world.  I have never had a pregnancy dream like that, so I've been thinking back on it often and day dreaming about what it would be like to really have a baby in my arms one day.

Keep growing pumpkin!  Mommy loves you so much!

Maybe Baby?

Date:  2/9/12
Well, I tested last night at 11DPO and it came up positive.  I had been feeling sick for about five days and thought I had a stomach bug.  I didn't think I could possibly be this nauseous so early on.  I have also not been able to sleep through the night, which happened when I was PG.  Last night I got home from walking the pups and I started to have stronger cramps and felt light headed.  I felt this urge to test, so I did.  I did not think a line would come up that fast.  I took another test.  Positive.  I think I spent the rest of the evening in a a daze.  I had a more expensive pregnancy test from last time around, so I told myself I would use that one in the morning.  I woke up at 4:00am and tested two more times.  Both positive.  I couldn't go back to sleep after that.  I went in for blood work today and will get my results tomorrow.  I will be meeting with a new OBGYN in two weeks and plan on having another blood draw in the next few days.  I am due October 20th, which was the day I started to miscarry naturally.  What are the chances of that happening?  I really saw that as a sign.  I actually stopped today in the staff lounge and held my stomach.  I was so overwhelmed with happiness that I could barely stand up.  I prayed so hard last night that this is going to be my take home baby.  Please God, let it be true!
*I'm keeping any baby related posts as drafts.  I really hope one day I will be able to publish them and know that this IS going to be my take home baby!

...Expecting the worse..hoping for the best...

Date: 2/12/12
My cramps started to get a little worse on Monday and were localized to my left side.  I also started to have brown spotting starting Monday as well.  Just a little drop, but enough to break my heart.  The same thing happened on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Last night I totally lost it and realized this may be the end.  My dad got me in to see a doctor tomorrow morning.  I also got more blood work done today.  I'm petrified.  I'm expecting the worse, but hoping for the best tomorrow.

Date: 2/17/12
I'm leaving for my appointment soon and I just can't get this knot out of my stomach.  Alex is off at work and I'm alone at home.  I'm fighting back the tears, and trying to prepare myself for what may come today.  I wish I didn't have to feel this way.  I wonder if we should have waited longer to start trying again, maybe three months wasn't enough time.  I don't feel ready for this emotional roller coaster.  I'm just sick to my stomach.  I really hope the doctor does an ultrasound today and will let me know what's going on one way or another.  Sigh, I really wish this didn't have to be so hard. :[

The appointment went pretty well.  The doctor saw a gestational sac in my uterus, but couldn't rule out what is causing the pain in the left side.  I was sent to the hospital to do an ultrasound.  They also found a gestational sac in my uterus measuring 5w1d, with a questionable yolk sac.  They could not find a cause for the pain in my left side (I ovulated from my right ovary, so it's not a cyst).  They don't believe it's a tubal, but can't completely rule it out yet since I'm so early.  I also got my third beta back on Friday.  My HCG has doubled but my progesterone continues to drop.  Friday was a very stressful day for me.  I'm going in for more blood work on Monday and will get the results on Tuesday.  I'm also going back to the doctor on Thursday for a follow up ultrasound.  I'm still continuing to have a dull ache in my left side, along with other minor cramps and extreme nausea.  I also had three days of small temp drops, along with a bigger one on the next day.  Thankfully, it shot back up and then dropped slightly the next day.  I'm just not sure how this is all going to turn out.  I think tomorrow's blood work will say a lot and if it's good news, I'm putting the thermometer away.

Date:  2/22/12
I have another appointment tomorrow and I'm so scared.  I got my HCG levels back and they are at 12,000, which is good but a little high for where I'm at (5w2d).  So of course I think of the worst.  Molar?  Tubal?  What's wrong with me?  What's this strange cramp in my left side that I've had for over a week?  The questions are never ending and I just can't seem to relax.  I'm exhausted, nauseous, and my emotions are all over the place.  I'm in no way complaining, but I just can't shake this feeling that I'm doomed.  I know I have to get more faith, for me and this baby.  Tomorrow's appointment will be a biggie and I pray that I will have good news tomorrow.